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What I Have Learned in Five Years of Marriage

This post is dedicated to my incredible husband, my best friend and partner for life. Thanks for always pointing me to Jesus and being the one who actually remembers to take the garbage out on Wednesdays. I love you. 


Most people get married expecting the best. The promise of forever with their vows in hand can make the anticipated wedding day altogether a dream. And while marriage is full of excitement and optimism, the overwhelming amount of expectations we had for each other when we were first married five years ago (and still do, if I am totally honest) aren't always true. The unspoken assumptions of love, security and affection overshadowed the somewhat harsher realities of "marriage." And when the fairy tale promises we tell ourselves don't happen, we are met with confusion and anger. 

Wait, this wasn't what you pictured? You're right it's harder, but so much better. Keep reading. You are in good company. 

I am not here to tell you my marriage is nightly escapades of Brian McKnight and pink champagne. Babe, if you are reading...hey! It's a constant battle to choose to put the other person first and fight for your marriage. 

This post is me being transparent about the realities of married life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

1. It's okay to disagree. This was one of the harder ones for me to come to terms with. Being married isn't about being the same person; it's about being your own person first. You absolutely need a life outside of your partner. Communication is key behind this point. Embrace each other's differences. You will have contrasting ideas on what it means to have a date night or which NFL team to root for and that is okay. Our pursuit towards a healthy union is to accept and love each other regardless of our differences (petty as they may be!)

2. You are a team. I envision a scene straight out of Mr. and Mrs. Smith for this one, where our backs are against each other and we are fighting our enemies head on at the same time. That is what marriage feels like sometimes. Being able to have each other's support at the end of the day is what makes coming home after a long day enjoyable. Remember, no person, friend or relative comes before your spouse. He isn't greater, nor are you. You are equals. 

3. There is no perfect spouse. There are things about my husband that drive me absolutely crazy. At the same time, those are some of the reasons why I love him. If you are trying to change your spouse, don't. That is God's job. My husband is methodical and slower to process ideas. In comparison to me, I am much more impulsive and can make up my mind about something pretty quick. We balance each other out and that dynamic works for us. You're spouse shouldn't be placed on the pedestal of perfection that they will never meet. Instead, focus on becoming the best spouse you can possibly be.

 4. Don't make decisions together on an empty stomach. Hanger pains are real people! After a long day of work, juggling responsibilities, caring for a child, and attempting to make dinner make some nights absolutely terrifying. Our pre-marriage counselor, Gary told us when we were engaged to not make decisions without eating. We thought clearer afterwards and were more reasonable to engage with. Make a meal, then have a serious conversation.

5. God, spouse, you. Placing God first in our marriage has improved our relationship in all aspects. We both have had job transitions, home moves, new goals, health priorities, battles with infertility and anxiety - and we have seen God move in these areas of our lives by placing him first. One of my favorite quotes our pastor says is "Don't get married to be served, but to serve." Placing your spouse's needs before yourself makes serving each other that much easier and actually enjoyable.

XO
Tina
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Location: Tacoma, WA, USA

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